Friday, March 28, 2008

In a comfort of a hug...

I never thought I will feel that way again and more, "a comfort of a hug". A feeling that you are secured and be owned. You are loved and important. Wishing that hug would be forever and no one can break it apart.

A hug which signals that you care and not wanting to let go of the person....putting your arms around as a show of affection taking away pain and sadness then recovers joy and beauty to oneself.

Figure wrongly

A lot of people I knew, met, acquainted or just happend to know by name or throught digital worlds have judge me. The judgements have been good and bad compliments. Well we are all people having mistakes and we are not perfect. I myself have judge people around me. And it so compromising that the ones I have misjudge and give bad compliments are those people who stayed with me and are true. The world is really upside down.

I am flattered and inspire if people would adore me as being me especially if they are true on saying such good things. I mean who wouldn't be happy receiving those flowering words from others. Its like music to the ear. You have the feeling of goodness and delighted that they have saw your nice and charming character that attracts them.

But it so hurting when they backfight you. They would say good things but when you aren't around its the opposite (plastic if not, a tupperware). Well we can't help backfighting, its human nature. Some people may say I am not approachable and hard to reach out, yes its true especially when you are a total stranger to me. I am shy and quite person and unfriendly at first(definitely true), but when you come to know me we could make difference. Some people may say they hate me. But I don't know why, maybe because I am so secretive and snobbish. Some people may say they don't feel me if I am with them, the way I talk and act. Some people may find that I have an attitude problem and have a big pride. Some may say they dont want me anymore because I always have problems and get invovle to problems (tak an na cla mamati ka prob ko)....hays....but its them and not me. I am not perfect, I also have wrong doings, has weaknesses. When this events happened I feel down and I don't have much guts to face the world and the people. I just kept silent, its better that way. If they don't like me, I gues that is how it is supposed to be.

As far as I know, I am myself and I don't know how to pretend, but I can keep my emotions if possible and needed. I may say I don't care if what others may talk about, but still I can't help it, I care what they talk about. And willing to hear from them what things do they hate about me..I mean I have to face the fears, the hurts and the pain it may cause. This hurts me alot silently and I don't want to voice it out. Its no use. There are certain things that are not meant to be spoken and be left unspoken or vice versa. The important thing is you know you are happy in your decision with no regrets and be prepared on things to come along. I wish I could stick into this sentence.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

I have lost my self and found my self

A lot of things has happened in a short span of time. Unexplained and unexpressed feelings has come (and still coming). So much happiness and enjoyment have I experience but then again so much pain, hurts and sufferings has come. But still I am here holding on.....

I have lost myself in time of my sufferings and my hurts. No one knows what I do really feel, I just go around and pretend I am happy and make my friends laugh. I joke around so that they won't see my pain which seems to kill me. And at the end of the day I felt so alone that no one seems to know I exist in their worlds. I never felt I was important. I cry by myself all night until I fell asleep.

I have to surpassed unfair realities. It is a must do but its hard. I have to sacrifice and give way, for who am I? I am just me and I am tired. I don't want to have sleepless nights again, no heartaches and pain deep inside, no broken promises and no lies. I have dream big and expect great things to happened, happiness and success together with my love ones but I have realize dreams do come true but not for me....And I was afraid to love and trust again. I do hate good byes and I don't want to hear it from the persons I cherish so I stay plain and simple.

Then on I struggled and pray, asking the Lord everyday to help me stand up again. I found a new place to meet new people for a new beginning. I put in mind I have to move on even I am alone, search for what I really want and get to know myself more.

And I met different personalities, wonderful persons, friendly people willing to befriend me. I started moving on and found myself again. I learn to laugh with no pain inside. I learn to let go of the hurt in my heart. And I can say once more "I am happy"...I have come to realize I was loving again and important. But eventually happines does not end just like that, of course there are misunderstandings, jealousy, envy, doubtness and pride roaming around the corners of friendship and love which gaves me the feeling of heaviness of the heart. I have to be prepared again on to be hurt which cannot be avoided and accept changes in my life. I must learn to control things and not forcing things to happened just what I wanted to be but to consider the feelings of others because somehow I cannot dictate the life of persons around me. We all have sinned especially me. And I am thankful forgiveness prevails. Full acceptance is coming along the way which makes me feel glad and confident.

This is a life lesson for me, helping and trusting one another is one of the best thing in friendship and love. And I believe better communication do leads you to success. I have learn to be a better listener and learn how to value friendships, secrets and promises. I had promise to myself that I wouldn't do things that would hurt the person I cherish. I will do my best to be caring and thoughtful.

This does not end here. There are lots of problems to be face, temptations to be a challenge and more realizations to know. I don't know what tomorrow comes, what hinders to my mind is that everything happens for a reason and for a purpose that only God knows first.

Friday, March 07, 2008

Psalm 51

Have mercy upon me, O God, according to Your loving kindness, according to the multitude of Your tender mercies, blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I acknowledge my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against You, You only, have I sinned, and done this evil in Your sight that You may be found just when You speak, and blameless when you judge. Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin my mother conceived me. Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts, and in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom. Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Make me hear joy and gladness, that the bones You have broken may rejoice. Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence, and do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and uphold me by Your generous Spirit. Then I will teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners shall be converted to You. Deliver me from guilt of bloodshed, O God, the God of my salvation, and my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness. O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth shall show forth Your praise. For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it; You do not delight in burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart -- these O God, You will not despise. Do good in Your good pleasure to Zion; build the walls of Jerusalem. Then You shall be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering; then they shall offer bulls on Your alter.